The storms of life were raging inside and outside of me. A season so to speak of being humbled and even humiliated. Pride being removed. And healing coming after being completely humbled. God began to speak to and move in me. He was beginning to heal my damaged relationship with Him as well as my broken heart. I’d let a lot of emotions from the previous months, and even years, of bitterness, frustration, grief, and whatnot, get under my skin, and it was affecting my mental health as well as my work and social life. I realized that I was trying to push my way out of God’s will for my life and it all caught up with me. I came home for work one day with absolutely no energy to do what I loved or anything for that matter. I constantly felt anxious, depressed, tired, as well as behind in my life and career and inadequate. I was burned out and dreaded every minute of everyday. Between work, keeping house, and other matters, rest was difficult to find, and I know I was standing on the precipice of a breaking point. To be honest, even thought I’d been praying for rest for some time now, I don’t think I really understood what it truly means to rest in the presence of God.
Finally, one day I was driving home from work and I could barely keep my eyes on the road. There were times even when I was afraid to get behind the wheel of a vehicle. Then I just realized, “I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t do this.” I needed to stop. I needed to learn how to say “No.” I needed to be willing to surrender even great opportunities and take care of myself. I was exhausted. I needed to rest, and sometimes that means being willing to say, “No.” But it also means being willing to trust that the people around you will understand. I admit that I am a people pleaser, and as a film director and leader, the last thing I want to do is let anyone in my charge down. Because more than my professional relationship with these people, I value my personal friendship with them. At the end of the day, I rather lose a movie deal than a friend. This isn’t something that I’ve personally confessed to anyone, but that’s the other half of the battle, and one that I hope God will help work in me on.
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I took a break from social media during June because of what people tend to celebrate nowadays, and I wanted nothing to do with it. Little did I know how much God would move this month. I ended up completely stepping back and pushing everything off for the entire month out of directionless exhaustion, depression, and burnout. But it was truly an amazing season where God began to teach me about something I had been praying for nearly a year; how to truly Rest in the Presence of God.
I’ll be making a series of posts over the next few days sharing this incredible journey God has taken me on this past month and I hope you’ll follow along. |